


The Curious Case of the Katsuki-Nikiforov Quintuplets

by blackmountainbones



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aliens, Anal Probes, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Mpreg, Post-Canon, but nothing explicit, i definitely need rehab
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-16 06:00:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10565073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackmountainbones/pseuds/blackmountainbones
Summary: A few months before the Katsuki-Nikiforov wedding, Viktor picks up an unusual new interest: aliens and UFOs. Yuuri considers his husband's new hobby to be harmless, if a little strange--at least until Viktor chooses Tunguska, a remote Russian province and the site of a mysterious impact crater associated with numerous alien conspiracy theories, for their honeymoon.Although disappointed, Yuuri tries to make the best of it. But on one sleepless night in Tunguska, Yuuri wanders outside for a closer look at the Northern Lights, and ends up experiencing an entirely different type of close encounter...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to [yoisims](http://yoisims.tumblr.com/), without whose wonderful blog this story would never have existed. 
> 
> One night on Discord (all my worst ideas begin like this), someone posted a link to yoisims. I became addicted to the storyline involving the Katsuki-Nikiforov quintuplets. You see, the Yuuri Sim keeps getting abducted by aliens, and his most recent abduction resulted in quintuplets, while the Viktor Sim is THRILLED to be a daddy, the otherworldly origin of his babies be damned. 
> 
> Because my brain is weird, I only got 4 hours of sleep that night because I couldn't stop thinking about the Katsuki-Nikiforov quintuplets. This is my take on how Yuuri Katsuki, dime-a-dozen Japanese skater, and his husband, 5-time Grand Prix gold medalist Viktor Nikiforov, end up as the proud daddies of 5 alien babies.

Yuuri stared out into the void.

Nothing moved. Everything was perfectly still. The land was barren, full of rocks and lichen, and the sky, overcast and grey, hovered close to the horizon. Yuuri felt like he was a stranger on an alien planet, one whose climate was far too hostile to support any kind of life.

His husband, who had been standing beside him, cleared his throat. “Isn’t it beautiful?” he asked, the awe in his voice a long, ringing note. His bright blue eyes looked longingly into the void, as if the empty space contained some meaning too large to comprehend.

Yuuri shrugged. “It’s a big hole, Viktor. I don’t understand why you brought me here for our honeymoon.” He kicked a pebble into the crater, losing sight of it long before it hit the bottom.

Viktor just stared at his husband sadly, and Yuuri sighed. He knew he was being a brat about this, but he couldn’t help it. You only got one honeymoon, and Viktor had chosen to waste theirs in Tunguska, site of a mysterious impact that had left a hole a nearly two kilometers deep and more than 4 kilometers wide--which just so happened to be the location of numerous UFO sighting.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Since Yuuri had insisted on having their wedding in Hasetsu, where his whole extended family would be able to attend, they’d decided it was only fair for Viktor to plan the honeymoon. Yuuri had been expecting Viktor to carry him off to some fancy resort, preferably somewhere in the Carribbean, with lots of culture and fine dining and luxury shopping. Not this desolate, barren place.

Tunguska was the exact opposite of that. There whole region consisted of little more than moss and rocks and a handful of rustic cabins, no restaurants or luxury goods anywhere.

Yuuri, however, had failed to realize that Viktor did not simply have _interests_ like a normal person. Instead, he had _obsessions_ \--and for some reason, just a few months before their wedding, Viktor had become obsessed with aliens. Yuuri had indulged him, allowing himself to be dragged along on UFO-sighting expeditions or listen to the completely crackpot theories Viktor found on the Internet, but spending his honeymoon on a search for extraterrestrial life was going a bit too far, even for Viktor.

Well, Yuuri supposed, tightening his hand around Viktor’s, at least he had his husband to keep him company in this terrible place. Perhaps their honeymoon would be just fine, as long as Viktor stayed close to him.

With an affectionate hum, Viktor slung his arm around Yuuri’s shoulders. They spent several minutes more contemplating the void, then walked back to their little cabin in silence.

 

 

After a meal of borscht and dense brown bread, Yuuri and Viktor snuggled into their lumpy bed. Yuuri tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable, but it seemed as though the mattress were stuffed with rocks, and sleep continued to elude him.

Viktor, however, was sleeping like a rock, totally dead to the world. Times like this, Yuuri envied the man for his ability to sleep anywhere, even the most uncomfortable of places. Sighing loudly, Yuuri dragged himself out from under the covers. Maybe a cup of tea would help...

Yuuri turned on the kettle (he was thankful for the fact that the primitive kitchen included an electric kettle), staring out the window as he waited for the water to boil. Something shimmered in the sky--a flash of green and purple lights--and Yuuri was captivated, unable to look away.

Could this be the Northern Lights? Yuuri had been living in Russia for a year, but he’d never seen the aurora before--St Petersburg had far too much light pollution. Curious, Yuuri stepped out of the kitchen and onto the grassy yard in front of the cabin and gasped--he hadn’t realized that the Northern Lights could be so dramatic, so _beautiful_. The lights were brighter out here, more intense: the green cloud in the sky became denser, swirling with flashes of red, purple, and blue. Maybe this trip to Tunguska wouldn’t be a complete loss after all.... 

So captivated was Yuuri by the aurora, he didn’t notice the silver ship hovering in the sky until it was directly above him. With a loud whirring sound, a portal opened at the bottom of the ship, bathing Yuuri in pure, blinding white light. Before he could open his mouth to scream, the white light swallowed him, and his mind went blank.

 

 

Yuuri cracked his eyes open, groaned, then immediately shut them. His whole body hurt, and he was in no hurry to regain consciousness when doing so would put him in even more pain. He scrunched his eyes closed and smushed his face into the pillow, trying his best to block out the light that spilled through the window.

Christ. It was _so_ fucking bright....

“Yuuri, darling, wake up,” a soft voice said. A warm hand brushed Yuuri’s bangs off his forehead.

Yuuri opened his eyes with an uncomfortable sound.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Viktor asked. His blue eyes were overflowing with concern. “You don’t look good.” He pressed the back of his hand to Yuuri’s forehead to check his temperature, but Yuuri’s skin was clammy and cool. _Huh. Strange._ Yuuri certainly looked as though he had a fever: his eyes were glassy, and his bangs were sweaty and stuck to his skin, which was sallow compared to Yuuri’s normally radiant golden complexion.

“I don’t... feel good, either,” Yuuri croaked. His throat was raw and dry, and he felt achy and feverish. He tried to sit up in bed, but a searing pain shot up his spine. Fuck, why did his ass hurt so much? He was pretty certain that he and Viktor hadn’t made love last night, and Viktor was far too tender a lover to risk hurting Yuuri like this--too tender for Yuuri’s liking, to be honest; he often had to resort to dirty tricks in order to get Viktor to fuck him harder.

“It doesn’t seem like you have a fever,” Viktor said.

Yuuri whimpered. “It... hurts.”

Viktor pulled his husband into a protective embrace. “What hurts, baby?” he asked, his voice choked with concern.

“Everything,” Yuuri whined, burying his head in Viktor’s shoulder, who rubbed Yuuri’s back soothingly.

“Shh, baby. Just rest,” Viktor said, stroking his husband gently until he fell back to sleep.

 

 

When Yuuri woke a few hours later, he was still achy, and his ass still hurt like hell, but at least he no longer felt like his brain was bursting through his skull. He was soon aware of a distressing pressure in his bladder, and he dragged his aching body from the bed into the bathroom.

After relieving himself, Yuuri realized he was _ravenous_ . It was well after noon, and he hadn’t eaten since last night, but this seemed excessive--he never even got _this_ hungry at the height of the season, when he was working out for several hours each day. But Yuuri’s contemplation was interrupted by the rumbling in his stomach, and he wandered into the kitchen to find Viktor sitting at the cozy kitchen table, reading a book entitled _The Tunguska Mystery_.

Viktor was so engrossed in his reading he didn’t notice Yuuri until Yuuri stole a kiss from him. “How are you feeling, baby boy? Better?” Viktor asked, pushing Yuuri’s greasy bangs off his forehead and looking into his warm brown eyes.

Yuuri shivered and slid into Viktor’s lap. “A little bit,” he said, and his stomach rumbled again, louder this time.

Viktor giggled and moved his hands down to Yuuri’s belly and squeezed. Yuuri always gained a bit of weight in the off-season, which Viktor loved---in his opinion, having more of Yuuri to love could only be a good thing.

“Ugh, stop that,” Yuuri said, swatting his husband’s hands away. “You know I hate that I gain weight so easily.”

Viktor couldn’t resist giving his husband a pinch on his ample bottom. “We have some borscht left from yesterday. You want me to heat it up for you?”

Yuuri nodded, and Viktor gently slid out from under him to make his way to the fridge. Once the soup was warmed up, they ate together at the tiny kitchen table, Viktor occasionally fretting over his husband. Yuuri acted annoyed, but accepted Viktor’s attention anyway.

“I saw the aurora last night,” Yuuri mentioned as he slurped a spoonful of soup.

“Oh?” Viktor asked, curious.

“Yeah,” Yuuri said. “I couldn’t sleep last night, and I got up to make some tea when I saw a green light through the window....”

Well, _that_ was unusual. It was June, after all, and last night had been unseasonably warm, too warm for the aurora.... Viktor made a concerned noise in the back of his throat, and Yuuri gave him a questioning look.

“Are you sure it was the aurora?” Viktor asked, his brown furrowed.

“What else could it be?” Yuuri shrugged. “I don’t know why else there would be lights in the sky.”

The hair on Viktor’s arms stood up. He didn’t know why he should feel so alarmed, but something about the whole situation made him uneasy. “It’s just.... late in the season for the aurora, is all,” he mumbled.

Yuuri cocked his head. “It was so _beautiful_ , Viktor,” he said. “I didn’t know the sky could light up in so many different _colors_.” There was a hint of wonder in his voice, and Viktor smiled. It seemed Yuuri had found something to appreciate about Tunguska, after all--he’d been so worried that Yuuri wouldn’t enjoy himself on this trip. Perhaps it had been somewhat unconventional to take a honeymoon in a place as remote and steeped in lore as Tunguska, but Viktor had wanted to surprise Yuuri. Unfortunately, it seemed like there was such a thing as _too much_ of a surprise, but Viktor was happy to see Yuuri beginning to enjoy himself out here.

“Tell me about it,” Viktor asked. “How long did the lights last?”

Yuuri leaned back and scratched at his scalp. “I--I’m not sure,” he admitted. “I only watched for a couple of minutes, and then there was this bright light and next thing I knew, I was waking up in our bed, next to you.”

“Huh,” Viktor said softly.

With a nervous chuckle, Yuuri continued talking. “I guess I must have sleepwalked back inside,” he joked, then took another sip of soup.

“Honey? Are you sure it was the aurora?”

"Yes. What else could it be?” Yuuri raised an eyebrow and looked at his husband quizzically.

What else, indeed. Viktor gazed at the book he’d been reading, but kept his thoughts to himself; Yuuri was an adamant skeptic about the possibilities of alien life. He would certainly mock Viktor if he knew just what Viktor was thinking....

 

 

The rest of their honeymoon passed uneventfully. Yuuri and Viktor spent their days hiking in the tundra; their evenings were spent eating rich Russian traditional foods and making love all over their cabin. Yuuri recovered quickly, though he’d uncharacteristically insisted on topping Viktor for the rest of their trip. He’d complained of an ache in his ass, and blamed Viktor for having fucked him too hard their first night in Tunguska, and though Viktor didn’t voice his suspicions, he wasn’t so sure about that.

After all, they’d made love tenderly, with lots of lube and careful preparation; Yuuri had taken his cock hungrily, with his usual enthusiasm. He’d even had the nerve to complain afterward that Viktor had been too gentle with him--Yuuri loved rough sex but Viktor was always too nervous to risk hurting him, which usually resulted in Yuuri pushing him down and riding him until Viktor was begging for mercy. Yuuri would just laugh and continue riding Viktor’s cock until he was satisfied, not allowing him to come until Yuuri had had his fill.

But that night, he had allowed Viktor to be as tender and loving as he wanted, let Viktor touch him with all the gratitude and worship he felt for his Yuuri. Strangely enough, Viktor realized, Yuuri had started complaining of the discomfort on their third day in Tunguska, the day after Yuuri had seen the strange lights in the night sky.

All in all, it had been a lovely honeymoon. The isolation of the remote Russian province had been ideal for a just-married couple, after all--they could be as loud and enthusiastic as they wanted without concern for waking up the neighbors. And Yuuri had indulged Viktor by accompanying him on a tour of UFO hotspots in the region.

Both men had been surprised to learn that the hill next to their cabin was a particularly active location for UFO sightings. Viktor was excited about the possibility of getting to see a UFO for himself, but Yuuri had teased him gently, insisting that he knew what kind of anal probing Viktor preferred.

That night, Viktor watched the sky for hours, but he saw nothing unusual, not even a shooting star.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every time i post angst, the muse immediately demands that i write crack. whatever keeps you sane, i s'pose....
> 
> this is unbeta'd. holla at me if you notice any mistakes.

Back in St Petersburg, Yuuri stared down at the number on the scale and cursed. “God damn it.” He got off the scale, and kicked it so hard that it hit the wall. “Fuck!”

The off-season was coming to a close, and Yuuri couldn’t lose the ten pounds he’d put on over the last couple of months. While he gained easily, he’d always been able to shed the extra weight quickly. God, it would be so much easier if he wasn’t so fucking _hungry_ all the damn time.... No matter how many grams of protein he and Viktor packed into his meal plan, Yuuri was _always_ hungry lately.

He grudgingly returned the scale to its rightful place next to the sink, then turned the shower on. While the water was warming, Yuuri shucked his shirt, and hissed when the cotton scraped against his nipples.

His nipples had been strangely sensitive lately. He’d noticed it just a few days after they’d arrived in St Petersburg after their Tunguskan honeymoon, but he’d brushed it off as dry skin. However, the expensive lotion Viktor had bought for him hadn’t seemed to help at all, though it left the rest of skin soft and smooth and scented slightly with citrus.

Yuuri looked at himself in the full-length mirror, which was just starting to get fogged with steam. Was it just him, or did his nipples look... bigger, somehow? Curiously, he flicked one with his fingernail, and _groaned_. Shit, that had never felt like _this_ before...

Carefully, he cupped his pec in an attempt to soothe the electric sparks shooting through his body from simply touching his nipple. He was surprised that the muscle could feel so full in his hand,and he gave a curious squeeze-- _Fuck_. That wasn’t muscle. The flesh had yielded too easily, almost like a... woman’s breast?

Yuuri clenched his fists as he felt the tears stinging in his eyes. Great. Not only was he getting fat again, he was so gross and flabby he’d developed _tits._ Just great.

When he stepped into the shower, the water was hot enough to scald, but Yuuri didn’t bother to turn down the temperature. He supposed he deserved this, for being a fat, disgusting pig.

 

 

The extra weight was proving to be a pain in the ass on the ice. Gravity fought Yuuri on every jump; quads became triples, triples became doubles, more often than not.

Even on the barre, Yuuri felt like his balance was.... off. Maybe it was because his hips were wider, and it was affecting his center of gravity? Yuuri didn’t know, but he hadn’t been this unsure about his own body since _puberty_.

And then there were the mysterious cramps, the occasional weird dull aching Yuuri felt in his lower abdomen. They started at the end of June, intense enough to force Yuuri to lie down for a few hours, then letting up suddenly.

“Maybe it’s your appendix,” Viktor said, concerned.

“Silly. Your appendix is on the right, not the left,” Yuuri protested. “I’m pretty sure it’s just the chicken you made me eat last night.”

“Would my Yuuri feel better if his husband gave him a foot massage?” Viktor asked, waggling his fingers ridiculously. His spastic finger movements made it look as though he were threatening Yuuri with tickling, not offering a sensual foot massage.

Yuuri put his socked feet in Viktor’s lap. “Massage away,” he demanded, then gave Viktor a little kick for good measure.

His husband immediately removed the socks, and began warming Yuuri’s feet up with slow, even pressure.

As soon as Yuuri closed his eyes to better focus on Viktor’s excellent footrub, Viktor paused. Yuuri could hear him flick through the channels, and he resisted the urge to kick Viktor into resuming the massage immediately. Viktor’s footrubs were long, involved things, often lasting half an hour or more, and Yuuri supposed that he deserved some kind of entertainment (although Yuuri did allow himself to pout for a minute when he realized that Viktor’s attention was not, in fact, 100% focused on Yuuri’s feet).

“Viktor?” Yuuri asked. “Are you watching alien documentaries again?”

Viktor shrugged his shoulders and dug his thumbs into a particularly sensitive place on Yuuri’s arch. “.... Yes?”

Yuuri rolled his eyes. “You know it’s all fake, right?” he asked.

“Yuuri!” Viktor said incredulously. “You can’t possibly believe that _humans_ are the only intelligent life form in all the infinite vastness of the universe?” So distracted was Viktor by this conversation, he was simply holding Yuuri’s feet, no longer massaging them.

With raised eyebrows, Yuuri gestured to the television. The program was now reviewing some grainy, dark footage claiming to show an alien autopsy. “You can’t possibly believe that this home movie is evidence of alien life.”

“But Yuuri,” Viktor exclaimed, so impassioned that he dropped Yuuri’s feet completely, “there’s a reason why the Russians were the first Earth people to go to space. That’s because during the UFO crash at Tunguska, we were able to salvage enough alien technology to--”

Yuuri interrupted him with a playful kick to the shoulder. “I _thought_ you were giving me a foot massage, not arguing with me over the existence of alien life,” he muttered.

Viktor glared, but he also started doing that _thing_ with his thumb and the inside of Yuuri’s instep, so Yuuri forgave him. He figured as long as Viktor was doing a good job on the foot massage, Yuuri could allow him to continue watching his alien documentary.

Besides, Viktor more than made it up to him by following the footrub with a long, indulgent blowjob, during which Yuuri permitted his husband to rub off between his feet. They lingered there on the couch, the alien documentary droning in the background as Viktor whispered sweet silly things in Yuuri’s ears.

 

 

Two weeks later, Yuuri collapsed during a run.

He and Viktor had been on one of their early-morning pre-rink runs. Lately, Yuuri had been noticing that he was more easily winded and tired much more quickly than usual, but he had blamed the extra weight for effecting his stamina. Despite sticking closely to his meal plan, Yuuri had somehow managed to gain another two pounds in less than two weeks, and both he and Viktor were perplexed.

Viktor had tried to comfort him, mumbling something about your metabolism slowing as you aged. Yuuri knew he hadn’t meant anything by it, but he had still fallen into an intense fit self-loathing that had lasted for _hours_ , and Viktor had been at a loss for how to help his husband. Finally, Yuuri had calmed down long enough to let Viktor apologize with a long, thorough foot massage and a promise to make an appointment with a nutritionist if Yuuri still hadn’t lost any weight by the end of the month. It was already July, after all, and unless Yuuri could take off the weight he’d gained from celebrating his wedding in the spring, his joints would be at risk of permanent damage with every jump he took on the ice.

The morning of the collapse, Yuuri had felt _wrong_ from the moment he’d awakened. Despite having gotten ten hours of sleep, his body still felt strangely heavy, but the worst was the sourness in his stomach. For a few minutes, Yuuri had been sure that he was going to vomit, but he’d managed to avoid puking through sheer willpower.

At breakfast, he’d choked down a few bites of dry toast, but he’d barely been able to swallow the scrambled eggs Viktor had made for him. They tasted strongly of sulfur, and Yuuri felt like he was eating a mouthful of farts with every bite.

“Ewww, Viktor, I think the eggs went bad,” he complained.

Viktor took a forkful of eggs from his plate, chewed, then looked at hs husband curiously. “The eggs are fine Yuuri,” he said.

Yuuri pushed the plate away and took another bite of toast. “ _Y_ _ou_ eat it then,” he said in a whiny voice, and was immediately embarrassed when Viktor’s expression fell into a frown. “I’m sorry,” he apologized in a small voice, “I guess I’m not feeling so well today.”

Viktor immediately began fussing over him, and Yuuri regretted his honesty when Viktor had offered to give him a day off. “Viktor, I don’t need a rest day,” Yuuri said, taking a deep and shuddering breath. “What I need to do is lose this weight so that I can _skate_.”

Viktor gave him another concerned look, but soon enough, they laced their sneakers and headed out for their run.

Yuuri knew something was wrong the in the first mile. He had been breathing hard even during their warm-up, his legs felt like they weighed a thousand pounds each, and he felt strangely light-headed. But Yuuri was nothing if not stubborn, and he struggled to keep pace with Viktor.

Halfway to the rink, Yuuri began to see black spots in his vision. Just a few blocks later, as he and Viktor jogged in place, waiting for a traffic signal to change, Yuuri saw the world go black.

When he came to, the first thing he saw was Viktor’s blue eyes, wide and full of tears. “My god, my darling,” Viktor murmured, gathering his husband up into his arms. “What happened?”

Yuuri moaned and closed his eyes.

“Yuuri?” Viktor’s voice had a hint of hysteria.

Yuuri forced himself to sit up, and cracked his eyes open. “I’m sorry--”

“Don’t apologize,” Viktor said, offering Yuuri his arm. “Do you think you can stand up?”

He allowed Viktor to help him up, but the resulting headrush made almost made Yuuri swoon. Luckily, Viktor caught him before he could fall again.

“Just give me a minute,” Yuuri said, breathing deeply and willing his racing heart to slow. “Then we can go to the rink.”

“Enough!” Viktor shouted. “Listen to me, Yuuri: You’re going home, and you’re taking the day off.” His blue eyes had gone stern and hard. “Please, Yuuri. I’m saying this as your coach, and because I love you.” He paused. “I’m worried about you.”

Yuuri was worried about himself, but he didn’t say a thing. He grudgingly allowed Viktor to call him a cab, then put him to bed once they reached the apartment. He gave Yuuri a lingering kiss on the forehead.

“I’ll be at the rink for just a little bit,” Viktor said. “If you get hungry, there’s some soup in the freezer. I’ll have my phone on me the whole time, so if you need anything, just call me, OK?” He gave Yuuri one last kiss, then tucked his husband in before heading to practice.

Once he was sure Viktor had left the apartment, Yuuri began sobbing into the pillow. What was wrong with him? He’d been feeling _wrong_ ever since his honeymoon, ever since the night he’d seen the aurora. He barely had the energy to train, he was always hungry, his emotions were even more fragile than usual--and now, he was nauseous as well?

Yuuri cried for what felt like hours, before he finally fell asleep in the wet tracks of his own tears, clutching at his stomach.

 

 

The following morning, Yuuri puked for fifteen minutes straight.

Viktor brought him a glass of water as clutched the toilet bowl and dry-retched. Sitting on the floor next to Yuuri, he combed his fingers through Yuuri’s hair.

“Yuuri,” Viktor said softly, “we need to go to a doctor.”

“I’m fine, Viktor,” Yuuri insisted, though he rested his head on his arms on the seat of the toilet.

“Yuuri...” The way Viktor said his name made Yuuri feel like he was drowning in Viktor’s love. “You’re not fine.”

Yuuri _hated_ doctors. No matter how healthy he felt, even the _idea_ of going to a doctor could trigger a panic attack. But he even he could tell something wasn’t right when the nausea wrenched another wave of vomit from him.

Though the thought made his heart race all the more quickly, Yuuri knew his husband was right. “Viktor--” he said, his voice breaking, “I need a doctor.”

 

 

Viktor helped Yuuri out of his pajamas and into a clean pair of sweatpants, then swaddled Yuuri in blankets as he called a cab. While they waited in the emergency room, he held Yuuri to him until the nurse called them into the ward.

Yuuri lay in the bed, his eyes closed as Viktor and the doctors conversed in rapid-fire Russian above him. He was far too tired to try to make sense of what they were saying.

Eventually, the voices died down, and Yuuri felt the mattress shift as someone sat down on it. “Yuuri?” a concerned voice asked, and Yuuri cracked an eye open. His husband’s blurry face hovered above him, and Yuuri made a pathetic, needy sound before shifting more closely to his husband. “It’s going to be ok, my love,” Viktor soothed.

“What did the doctor say, Vitya?” Yuuri whimpered.

His husband pursed his lips. “Um, they think you have a... rock... in your... kidney?” Viktor said, less certain that Yuuri would have liked.

“You mean, a kidney stone?” Yuuri asked, and Viktor nodded enthusiastically.

“Yes, a kidney stone!” he confirmed. “They have to take to you for a, hmmm, an x-ray but for pregnant women?”

“Ultrasound?” Yuuri supplied. He couldn’t help the edge of worry that crept into his voice.

But Viktor immediately comforted him, tousling Yuuri’s hair lovingly. “Don’t worry Yuuri, I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

They sat together on the bed until the nurse came to wheel Yuuri into the ultrasound room. The technician, a young woman with a pleasant if bland face, introduced herself, then immediately went about smearing Yuuri’s abdomen with a cold and thick liquid.

“This will help make the ultrasound see your kidney,” she explained, although Yuuri still winced. The texture of the stuff reminded him uncomfortable of another type of lube altogether...

For a few minutes, the technician guided the wand over his belly. Although Yuuri was watching the screen of the ultrasound machine intently, it was difficult to make sense of the weird splotches of shadow and light. The ultrasound technician clucked her tongue, and the anxious couple sent her a concerned look, but she was too fixated on a certain spot on Yuuri’s lower abdomen.

“Oh,” she said, the disbelief in her voice impossible to ignore. “That’s... unusual.” She kept the want pressed to Yuuri’s stomach, then fiddled with the settings for a bit until the image on the screen came into clearer focus.

“What’s unusual?” Viktor asked, voice tight.

“The good news is, is that’s no kidney stone,” the ultrasound technician said, eyes wide. She navigated the wand to a very specific part of Yuuri’s lower abdomen. Five small dots came into focus on the computer screen. “Congratulations, Mr and Mr Katsuki-Nikiforov, you’re pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> send me headcanons and asks about weird viktor, alien babies, or any of my wip's on tumblr [@the-stoned-ranger](https://the-stoned-ranger.tumblr.com/)


	3. Three

After a long and confusing meeting with the obstetrician, Yuuri and Viktor left the hospital with a handful of pamphlets and a follow-up appointment.

It was raining as they waited for the cab, and the couple was huddled closely under Viktor’s umbrella. The sun had gone down, and the lights in the parking lot streaked on the asphalt like.... Yuuri’s hands were in the pocket of his hoodie, softly cupping the swell of his stomach where it peeked over the waistband of his pants.

It was all so normal--except that it _wasn’t_.  

“Are you getting rained on, darling?” Viktor asked, tightening the hold he had around Yuuri to block his husband from the cool wet drops.

Yuuri shook his head. The rain was fine. Everything else was not. He took a deep breath, and before he could let himself think too much about it, let the question he’d been waiting to ask out. “Wait, Viktor, isn’t this whole thing--kind of w-weird?”

“Isn’t what weird?”

“I’m having--quintuplets.”

“Well, it certainly _is_ unusual.” Viktor cocked his head, and did the thing with his index finger and his face that he did whenever he was thinking. “But not weird! Plenty of people have twins, or triplets, or even sextuplets...”

“But Viktor--men can’t get pregnant.” The words were decisive, as if Yuuri was not, in fact, living proof that at least once man could.

Viktor didn’t seem to share his concern at all. He merely nuzzled his husband’s ear with his nose, whispering sweetly. “Don’t you see, Yuuri? You’re amazing,” Viktor said, holding on to his husband. “You do things no one else can do. Like a quad flip at the very end of your long program.”

Yuuri snorted. “OK, Vitya, I think being a pregnant man and landing a quad at the end of the free skate are not quite the same thing.”

Viktor’s only response was to squeeze Yuuri closer, his fingers grabbing on the small roll of fat below Yuuri’s bellybutton. “Wow, I can’t believe you made _five_ babies for me.”

“I don’t even know how this is happening.” Yuuri mumbled while swatting his husband’s hands off of his stomach, but Viktor stubbornly clung to his hip. In fact, ever since the ultrasound tech had announced the pregnancy, Viktor hadn’t let go of Yuuri, not even for a second.

“No one does,” Viktor reminded him. “Remember what the doctor said: they don’t understand it either. But the important thing is that we are going to be daddies!”

Well, Yuuri supposed it was impossible to argue with that. Regardless of how, or why, he was pregnant, he knew one thing for sure: the only thing he had ever wanted more than to marry Viktor Nikiforov was to have a family of his own, with at least four children.

Yuuri supposed he should be thankful that at last, he was going to have everything he’d ever wanted. Who was he to argue with his own good fortune? Nothing more than a dime-a-dozen international figure skater with a five-time world champion for a husband and five bundles of joy baking in his belly.

 

 

While Viktor and the obstetrician barely batted an eye about Yuuri being a pregnant man, it was slightly more intimidating to have to tell their friends. Viktor would have shouted the news from the rooftops with a megaphone for all the world to hear, but Yuuri was much more modest and self-conscious about the whole situation.

He convinced his husband to wait to tell their friends until they’d told Yuuri’s family. It would be just a few days’ wait, since Yuuri’s family habitually Skyped every Sunday evening St Petersburg time. It would also give Yuuri some time to think about how to tell his family that he, a man, was pregnant with not one, but _five_ babies, without his family thinking he was trying to make an elaborate joke.

At least that had been the plan. But that Friday night, Yuri Plisetsky managed to thwart all of their best laid plans just by being his bratty worst at their monthly dinner.

Monthly dinner was an important ritual, dating back to the early days of Yuuri’s residence in Russia when Yuri had been equal parts jealous and appalled by their relationship. Yuri had also been a hungry teenager easily influenced by Yuuri’s talent in the kitchen and Viktor’s liberal alcohol policies, and over time, the dinners became more tradition than anything else.

These days, Yuri often brought his boyfriend Otabek along with him, and this Friday was no different. Yuri stormed into the apartment as usual, waving four bottles of wine in his two hands and dragging Otabek by the elbow into the kitchen.

He slammed the bottles down on the kitchen island, then immediately began rummaging through the drawers mumbling curses as he searched for a corkscrew.

Viktor removed three glasses from the cupboard and put them on the counter.

“Three?” Yuri asked as he poured.

“Yuuri’s not drinking tonight,” Viktor said proprietarily.

Yuri arched a brow and regarded Yuuri with suspicion. “Look, I bought this especially for you. So you have to drink it,” he said, brandishing the glass of wine in Yuri’s face.

“Sorry, Yuri. I can’t drink. I’m... on antibiotics.” Yuuri’s fingers toyed with the hem of his shirt. Fuck, he had always been so bad at lying...

Yuri grimaced, oblivious. “You let me hug you and you’re sick? You could have infected me with your tuberculosis. Gross.”

“Yuri, you’re not going to get tuberculosis from a hug,” Otabek chided his boyfriend.

“How do you know that, huh?” Yuri asked, eyes narrowing. “Tuberculosis is extremely contagious. This is how epidemics begin...”

“No one has tuberculosis!” Viktor shouted. “Yuuri can’t drink because he’s going to be a daddy.”

Yuri cocked his head. “What happened? Did the adoption agency say he had a drinking problem again or something?” he scoffed,

“I mean,” Viktor said, a little more enunciated this time, “Yuuri’s going to be a _daddy_.”

Otabek and Yuri looked at him blankly.

“This better not be a sex thing,” Yuri warned.

Viktor sighed. This was hopeless. Yuri and Otabek were morons. He was just going to have to be direct--

“Yuuri is pregnant. With quintuplets.”

Otabek spat out his wine. Yuri simply raised his eyebrows. “Nice try, old man. My boyfriend is an idiot but you can’t fool me.”

“Actually, it’s true,” Yuuri said in a small voice. “I’m having... quintuplets.”

“How is that possible?” Otabek asked, monotone.

“No one knows for sure,” Yuuri admitted.

“No way! You expect me to believe that shit?” Yuri scoffed.

Yuuri handed him the ultrasound photos.

“What the fuck am I looking at?” Yuuri demanded.

“These,” Viktor said, pointing to the five small white dots in the center of the picture, “are your five little brothers and sisters.”

This time, when Yuri spat out his mouthful of wine, Yuuri was almost entirely certain that he’d done it on purpose.

 

 

The next day was a lazy Saturday which Viktor and Yuuri mostly spent curled into each other on their couch, ignoring each other in companionable silence while Yuuri played videogames and Viktor read another one of his alien conspiracy books. Viktor’s head was resting in Yuuri’s lap, his cheek pressed to Yuuri’s softly bulging belly, when Yuuri’s stomach rumbled. Viktor laughed, pecking his husband’s belly-button with an affectionate kiss.

“Hmm, Viktor, do we have any leftovers?” Yuuri’s voice had the cutest hint of a whine, and  Viktor put his book on the coffee-table and stood with a stretch before heading to the kitchen to check. Yuuri was completely immersed in his game and continued shooting aliens. Viktor wrinkled his nose. He did not condone acts of violence against extraterrestrial beings.

In the kitchen, he lazily assembled some san sandwiches made from last night’s leftovers. He then brought the plate to Yuuri, who kissed his husband on the nose before reaching for one, somehow managing to continue shooting aliens through the whole process.

“You know, it’s funny,” Viktor murmured, watching as Yuuri hunted aliens in the abandoned base onscreen.

“What’s funny?” Yuuri asked around a mouthful of sandwich.

“What would your first instinct be,” Viktor asked, “if the aliens showed up?”

Yuuri casually killed another alien with his plasma gun. “Shoot them, I guess.”

“I just think it’s ironic that your first instinct would be to shoot the aliens,” Viktor continued. “They travelled galaxies to find Earth, you know? They must have the kind of knowledge we puny humans can only dream of.”

Yuuri swallowed slowly. “Well, when the aliens show up, what do you think people should do?”

“Study them. Learn the mysteries of the universe from them.”

His husband shot another alien, the nudged Viktor’s abandoned book. “You watch too many Youtube videos and read too many weird books, Viktor,” he said skeptically.

“Well, the way I see it there are two kinds of people in the world.” Viktor’s voice was teasing. “Some people will want to kill the aliens. Others would prefer to be abducted by them...” His voice trailed off playfully, and Yuuri nudged him with his elbow before pausing his game to take another bite of his own sandwich.

“Abducted, hey? Is that what they’re calling it nowadays?” he joked, tactfully avoiding any mention of the anal probe.

Viktor blushed, but only a little bit. He had always been somewhat shameless. Yuuri took another bite of his sandwich, then unpaused his game and began shooting some more aliens.

A few minutes later, his husband broke the the silence. “Yuuri, how far along did the doctor say you were?” Viktor asked, his hand tracing down Yuuri’s arm.

“Ten weeks,” Yuuri answered absentmindedly. He was trying to concentrate on his game, absentmindedly hoping that the babies would not be disturbed by the gruesome sound effects. Would he have to stop playing first-person shooters, or turn the volume on mute, when they got bigger?

“Hmmm,” Viktor mused. “Ten weeks ago was our honeymoon. In Tunguska.”

“What a cliche. A honeymoon baby.”

Viktor wrapped his broad hand around Yuuri’s wrist. “Don’t you think that’s weird?”

“This whole thing is weird,” Yuuri sighed, pausing the game. “I mean, I’m a pregnant man. I’m not certain this can get any weirder...”

“Yuuri. If anyone were to get pregnant on our honeymoon, it would have been me!” When Yuuri gave him a questioning look, Viktor exclaimed, “I bottomed like, ten times that week! You bottomed once!”

Yuuri pursed  his lip in concentration. “Viktor, are you implying that I cheated on you in Tunguska? Because who could I have possibly cheated with? The goat next door?”

“What? Darling, no, never,” Viktor soothed. “I know you’d never cheat on me.” He curled his arm around his husband, drawing him even closer.

“OK,” Yuuri said, squirming in Viktor’s grasp. Damn it, the pregnancy had certainly made Viktor even clingier than normal, and Yuuri fidgeted in an attempt to wrestle back a little personal space from his husband. “Well, if I’m not cheating on you, I’m having trouble understanding why we’re arguing again?”

“The night you saw the Northern Lights, Yuuri!” Viktor insisted. “Don’t you remember anything from that night?”

“No.”

“Don’t you think that’s weird?” Viktor asked.

“Are you serious?” Yuuri snorted. Viktor nodded, completely earnest. “No, Viktor, that’s not weird. What’s weird is how I’m having quintuplets, and how everyone just keeps acting like it’s perfectly normal for a man to have five babies growing in his belly.” He unpaused his game to shoot some more aliens. It just wasn’t possible...

“Yes, I’m serious! You said it yourself, you never sleepwalked before in your life before that night!”

It was true. Yuuri was actually a very sound sleeper. He required three alarm clocks to wake up before ten in the morning

But Yuuri had also never believed in aliens. He was a born skeptic, interested only in what science could _prove_. And so far, contrary to what Viktor’s Youtube search history would suggest, science had not proven the existence of alien life.

Yuuri shot another digital alien, which made a screeching sound as it died. “Viktor, that’s impossible. There’s no such thing as aliens.”

“But you’re a pregnant man. Some people would say you’re impossible, too, but here you are,” Viktor answered bluntly.

“That’s a false equivalency,” Yuuri protested, though he did pause for a moment. From a strictly scientific standpoint, Yuuri _was_ an impossibility. Hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution had been achieved through vaginal intercourse. Yet here he was, having somehow managed a to conceive quintuplets through the power of anal intercourse alone.

He chose to ignore this fact for the time being, tapping Viktor with the heel of his foot and stretching. “Anyway, I’m done with this sandwich. Do we have any sweets?” He put the game back on pause as he wondered aloud, “Oooh, Vitya, do you think we have any chocolate?”

“Oh, my darling Yuuri,” Viktor murmured, palms splayed open on his husband’s stomach. “Anything. Anything you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: literally has no idea how the babies got in yuuri's butt. so the muse decides to deal with this very important plot problem by having the characters acknowledge the plot hole, and then everybody just... moves on. 
> 
> i don't question the muse....

**Author's Note:**

> while i have deliberately chosen to keep the actual abduction vague, my betas and mutuals were very disappointed in me for not including filth. y'all are nasty.
> 
> thanks for reading! the muse has a praise kink and loves to hear your kudos and comments.


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